Well, you did it. You sang your carols in early November. You put your Christmas tree up early. You bought your gifts. You let it snow before December started. You did everything you could to make Thanksgiving just a JV game for its varsity counterpart, Christmas.
As the most loyal readers know, a couple of years ago I wrote a column titled “Save Thanksgiving.” In that column, I warned about you holiday hogs who only care about Christmas and don’t give two scoops of gravy about Thanksgiving. The readers, God bless all of them, didn’t listen, and now we have Black Friday starting at noon on Thursday.
Let me ask all of you this. Does Black Friday say “holiday spirit” to you? Think about that for a second, because I’d make the argument that it doesn’t say “holiday spirit” at all, and is much more closely related to the term “senseless violence.”
I’ll tell you what doesn’t say holiday spirit; giving some poor grandma a tombstone pile driver in aisle 5 because she took the last Tickle Me Elmo. And that, to the best of my knowledge, happens every Black Friday at least one time in every state.
I have it on good authority that not only did people shop for Black Friday deals on Thanksgiving (which is on Thursday, not even Friday), but some of them did so without watching one single second of NFL football. Shame, shame.
In case you haven’t heard, the NFL’s ratings are starting to tank. Do you know why the experts say nobody watches the NFL anymore? Because everyone is too busy shopping. That’s right. And while I’m on the subject, the same type of hit that now gets a 15-yard penalty in the NFL is perfectly legal and acceptable in the Black Friday scrum. Disgusting.
So here we are, at the end of November. Everyone has been celebrating Christmas for like a whole month now, and everyone has already forgotten about the two seconds they spent eating turkey.
Every year, us Thanksgiving people sit by while Christmas invades Thanksgiving. We watch people go straight from October to December and we don’t do anything about it. Well, we’re not going down that easy this year.
This year I propose we move to celebrate Thanksgiving well after the fourth Thursday in November. We need to ramp this December up and turn it into the most Thanksgivingy Christmas ever! Together, we can make a difference.
I propose we Thanksgiving people take it upon ourselves to eat turkey every Thursday until New Year’s Day. And not only turkey, but mashed potatoes ... and noodles ... green beans ... pie ... any type of food that is more of a Thanksgiving dish than a Christmas one. NO cookies, milk, or candy canes. If I catch one of you eating a candy cane this year, you are officially disinvited from our little turkey club.
I also propose that we write letters to the NFL suggesting three games on Christmas Day. Yes, it’s on a Tuesday and that doesn’t quite work with the league’s schedule, but let’s just make the bad teams play, because they’re not getting into the playoffs anyway. Raiders vs. Browns at noon. Cardinals vs. Falcons at 5. Giants vs. Jets in prime time. We’re also taking a stab at New Years by forcing the New York teams to play.
It’s time for Thanksgiving to be less about sitting at the table with family and more about getting revenge for all the wrongdoing we face every year.
From now on, and for the first time ever, Thanksgiving will be about imperialism. It will be about taking stuff that isn’t ours, specifically the 25th of December.
If you see a Santa at the mall, please stuff him with the best Thanksgiving foods you can. Offer him so much turkey and potatoes that he overeats and can no longer fit in his suit. For all my child readers, when you are sitting on Santa’s lap, please tell him how disappointed you are in how his holiday keeps butting in line. Remind him that nobody likes a line-cutter Larr. Act very disappointed, and if you can, judgmental.
Oh, and we’re not stopping at Christmas. We’re coming for Halloween too. If other holidays can be frivolous, so can we. Here are some suggestions for Halloween costumes next year: Pilgrim, turkey, mashed potatoes, football player.
I now once again speak to my younger readers: If you dress up like a turkey next Halloween, I’ll give you five times as much candy when you come to my doorstep. And by candy, I mean noodles, mashed potatoes and brown gravy because that’s all the “candy” I’ll be serving.
This will be the year that the good people of Plymouth Rock fight off our invaders from the North Poll. This will be the year when we STUFF (get it?) our chimneys and say no, Mr. Clause, you can’t barge into our homes, because in our homes you’ve already been. You were here in November and you’re only allowed in once a year.
If you want to be Santa in December, don’t you dare be a Grinch in November. Now please kindly leave the cookies and milk, and let the reindeer have a year off. We’ll escort you back to the North Pole on the Mayflower, and maybe next year you’ll learn to keep that sled in it its own lane.