ARTICLE

Optimistic predictions: 2016 Cubs

In the summer of 1990, a pregnant woman pretended she was about to go into labor outside of a fence at Wrigley field so she could get through enough people to cut through the front of the line to get autographs from Chicago Cubs players.


The plan was thought up by her two twin brothers, who knew that was their best shot of being able to interact with any of their beloved Cubbies.


When the woman got to the front, she was told she couldn?t stand between the crowd and the fence because the group of people behind her might get too rowdy and she could get stuck up against the fence, potentially damaging the baby growing in her belly.


Cubs? security just might have saved that baby?s life that day, and I for one am extremely glad they did. Why? Because that baby was me.


The way I see it, I owe at least a portion of my life to the Chicago Cubs, which is just one reason I stay loyal even after years of heartbreak. Luckily for me, it?s only been 25 years of heartbreak?so far.


One thing you learn as a Cubs fan is that it?s a lot less painful if you stay optimistic. A great life lesson that you can only learn through consistent disappointment.


This year, the Cubs are the Vegas favorites to win the World Series. If they did, it?d be the first time since 1908, which is more than likely before anyone reading this column was born.


A great man (probably Ghandi) once said, ?go big or go home,? so if you?re going to be an optimist, your expectations better be as high as they can possibly get. So with that in mind, here are some optimistic predictions for the 2016 Chicago Cubs.


#NextYearIsHere: If you have even a basic knowledge of Cubs fans, you know the old saying, ?wait till next year.? It?s a phrase that Cubs fans often say, and are often taunted about after being eliminated from postseason contention.


But fear not, Cubs fans. Next Year is finally here. We all know that Vegas is never wrong, so there is no reason not to expect a World Series title.


I predict that the Cubs will sweep the New York Yankees, 4-0, in the fall classic, and we?re going to win by so many runs that Major League Baseball will have to put in a mercy rule for next season.


First basemen Anthony Rizzo: Rizzo, a Chicago hero and one of my favorite people to ever walk this Earth, will win his first MVP award, unanimously. Then, he?ll win the World Series MVP award, unanimously. Then, to top it all off, he will be named ESPY Player of the Year for 2016?once again, unanimously.


Third baseman Kris Bryant: In 2015, Bryant overwhelmingly won the Rookie of the Year title. The Cubs don?t have any big time rookies coming up this season, and I can?t even think of a good rookie on any other team.


I predict that Kris Bryant will play so well this season, and the other young MLB players will play so poorly, that the league will find it necessary to just let Bryant keep his award, being the first two-time rookie of the year in American sports history.


Nobel Peace Prize: After a stunningly calm World Series celebration in Chicago where no cars are flipped over or set on fire, and no businesses are broken into and looted, the Nobel Prize Committee will award their annual honor to the entire Cubs fan base.


I will fly to Finland, or wherever they hold that ceremony (I guess I?ve always assumed Finland) and accept the award on behalf of the group.


Best Actor: At the 2017 Oscars, lifelong Cubs fan Bill Murray will win the coveted award for Best Actor in a leading role for his portrayal of starting pitcher Jake Arietta in the HBO documentary about the 2016 Cubs.


Moved by the film, 2016 Best Actor, Leonardo DiCaprio (who only won this year because people felt sorry for him that he always loses) will forfeit his award to Murray as well; giving Murray two Best Actor wins in one night.


2016 Presidential Election: With America as divided as ever, Chicago Cubs coach Joe Maddon will throw his hat into the presidential election as an independent.


After a brutal week of campaigning, nominees from both the Republican and Democratic Party will realize they are overmatched and drop out before Election Day. Maddon will sweep the electoral vote and America will be united once more behind a true leader.


You might argue that not all of my predictions will come true, but I think we can all agree that at least half of them will. Everyone have a happy baseball season and Go Cubs Go.