Big ideas to make big money


Hello, people of Henry County. You all have given me so much over the last few years and I think it?s about time to give back. Here?s the deal: I come up with big money making business ideas all the time.

Some of these ideas could probably make me rich and give me a shot to retire at 35, but I like being a sports editor too much to go through with any of them, and also everyone I pitch these to rips on them and puts me down. So I decided to use this column to throw out a few of my best ideas, in case any of our readers are looking to make a quick buck.

All five of these ideas are very carefully thought out. I?ve weighed the positives and negatives of each, and my math says they are gold mines. So without further adu, here are some things for you entreprenuers to kick around.

1. Unhealthy Choices: So, I was eating a ?Banquet? frozen dinner for lunch one day and I noticed something quite disturbing. My ?dessert? dish was apples. That?s egrigious. Apples are fruits and fruits can?t be desserts (except fruit roll-ups).

If you?re a health nut and you?d rather eat apples for dessert than a delicious brownie, be my guest. But that doesn?t mean the rest of us have to suffer. If you?re able to go to the store and buy ?healthy choices? meals, I should be able to buy food that actually tastes good.

An unhealthy choices meal would have four things: Two meats (say chicken drumstick and salisbury steak), a dessert (brownie, cookie, etc.) and a juice box. I think these would probably be the highest selling frozen dinner company in America.

2. Polination Stations: So apparently the bees are dying off and people are freaking out and thinking it?s a sign of the end of the world. Apparently some scientists think bees are essential to human life. I disagree, but that?s not what this is about.

Instead of crying about all the bees dying, what if we did something about it? I propose a factory that works to polinate the flowers without the help of bees.

We humans walked on the moon (allegedly). I?m sure we can figure out how flowers work.

After all the bees die out, this factory would make bank. We could probably even get funded by the government, honestly. Also, we?d train our employees to not fly around and sting people, so we?d actually be one step above the current status quo.

3. Mondo Burger: Mondo Burger was the rival fast food joint of ?Good Burger? in the 1997 box office smash ?Good Burger.? I think it should be a real restaurant. This idea only works if the people who made ?Good Burger? didn?t copywright the ?Mondo Burger? name or brand.

4. Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles: This one is going to take a lot of work because it?s TV show. Now, I know people are ?cutting the cords? on their television sets and just reading the local paper instead, but I think we could garner up some couch potatos to watch this fresh take on a classic cartoon.

In the new Ninja Turtles, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Rafael are in their mid-40s but still have the same jobs as fighting turtles. But now they?re super bad at Karate and they were evicted from their sewers so all they do is sit around in their studio apartment, complaining about young people and the economy, and talking about how cool they used to be.

I think it would be a great idea to cast a bunch of washed up actors like Brendan Fraser and David Spade to play the turtles. That way it?s kind of a joke within a joke because the actors themselves don?t even really want the parts and are a lot like the characters they play on TV.

Like the Mutant Ninja Turtles, these actors used to be the coolest cats on the block, and now they?re just laying around wearing these stupid turtle costumes that don?t even fit. Also, this idea only works if the copyright is up on the Ninja Turtles name and likeness.

5. New Age Bar and Grill: I saved the best for last, so hear me out on this one. You know the signs that say ?You must have been born before this date to drink alchohol?? The ones that are always 21 years ago exactly? Well, this is a sports bar that has one of those signs in its front window, but there is a catch.

Every day, a random date is selected and put on the sign. No matter what the date is, you have to have been born before it to go in and eat. So one day, everyone above 21 is allowed in. The next day, you may have to be at least 40.

If you?re over the age of 40, you?re probably tired of millenials by now. They?re always texting on their smart phones, complaining about college tuition prices, polluting precious newspaper space with their stupid business model ideas. What if you could go to a place where they?re not even allowed?

One day, New Age Bar and Grill is hopping with people in their mid-20s. The next, it?s a senior citizens paradise. Don?t tell me you wouldn?t come down and look at the sign every morning to see if you?re old enough to hang out.

These ideas are now officially free use. Take them and run. Go out and show this world what happens when my brain and your work ethic work side by side. I?ll be rooting for you.