Baby talk

Breaking news everyone. Your friendly neighborhood sports guy is expecting his first child. My wife is pregnant with a baby girl, and we are due somewhere between the end of January and the beginning of February.

The summer of 2017, as well as the early fall months, have been filled with new experiences. I?ve been learning all these nuances about having a kid and raising it in 2018, and how much different it is from my days in diapers in the early 1990s.

If you?ve had a baby, been a baby or have ever thought about babies in any way, this column is for you, because I?m about to pass on some of the things I?ve learned in the last few months.

First of all, did you know you can?t just walk in to Babies ?R? Us and buy a crib? I certainly didn?t, but that?s because I didn?t know Babies ?R? Us was even a thing until last weekend.

You can look at cribs. You can touch cribs. You could probably even try out cribs if you were small enough and the workers weren?t looking ? but you can?t buy one.

You have to get the crib shipped to the store (or your house, if you want to pay shipping charges) after you pick it out. We couldn?t even do that because the computer systems were down (or because Toys ?R? Us went bankrupt the next day and they were halting sales).

I understood that a business doesn?t want to pay for the extra space to just store a bunch of cribs, but the ?old man yells at clouds? part of me was pretty triggered by the whole ?have it shipped to store? idea. Those are the kind of things that make you want to snarl and say ?This country,? under your breath while you dream about simpler times.

Also, cribs are way cooler looking now and not an exact square. They look a lot smaller to me, but that might just be that I?ve gotten bigger.

I did make sure we picked out the one with a flat top part so my daughter can put her juice cup on it when she gets to that Tommy Pickles age where you?re old enough to carry your own juice around but still young enough to need a crib. #GoodDad

Speaking of juice, did you know these new baby strollers have cup holders? Not even just for the baby, they have some for parents too! I thought that was ?neato? as the kids these days say.

I did make a fool of myself when I requested that we buy one of the car seats with the tops on them because they looked more comfy, and then I was just looking at the ones that already had the cover attached. Big time amateur move right there.

You know what hasn?t changed though? Those cool mobiles with the bunnies or the elephants on them that spin around while the baby is in the crib or car seat.

Is there a more timeless thing in the world than baby mobiles?

I wish my memory development was advanced enough as a baby that I could just reminisce about laying around and watching those animals go by ? or were they planets? Eh, I can?t remember.

Also, walkers aren?t the big things anymore. Now it?s all about jumpers. I?m nostalgic about walkers, but I guess people got a little nervous when we only won Olympic basketball gold by 30 points last year. Can?t let it be that close. We need more big leapers in the recruiting pipeline.

If anyone has any baby advice for a dad in training, feel free to tip me off. I?ll be wandering around a Babies ?R? Us near you! (Except not really, because Toys ?R? Us is apparently going bankrupt. Sorry to end this one on a sad note.)